A fellow clavicle sufferer gave me some words of wisdom recently,

he said: "When you feel good, you are cocky like it is going to be o.k. When it feels bad, you sound desperate and un-informed."

And he's right. Today i feel desperate and uninformed. I feel hopeless, and i don't think i will ever be rid of this pain, or able to do the things i once did.

Very rarely do i get emotional, and one thing chronic pain will do, is MAKE you emotional. There are days that you feel energetic like you can handle anything, you can make it through another day; and those days are encouraging.

And there are days like today, when the pain is so great and so concentrated that it makes you want to give up. It makes you want to give in and self medicate. To feel NOTHING as opposed to always being in pain.

I bough groceries today, an everyday task for most people, a daunting thing for me today. It hurt so bad i couldn’t lift a gallon of milk without my shoulder feeling like it was exploding. I have these sharp pains that ripple down my bicep in certain positions. They only last a second but they literally stop me in my tracks. It’s hard to drive, I can’t really rest my shoulder anywhere, it feels like my shouldeblade is poking into the seat, and it hurts something fierce. Thankfully I don’t have to drive far to work.

The numbness is still gone but my hand is tingling again. And my forearm too. My forearm has never tingles like this before today. I bet anything swimming really aggravated something in there. I’ve also noticed my good shoulder is starting to hurt at night sometimes, and often when I wake up it will be sore. I’m not too sure if it’s from overuse, or maybe It’s from sleeping the same way every night, but there are only so many positions that I can sleep in as well.

I don’t mean to complain per say, or to sound bitchy, but I needed to get it off my chest. It feels good to vent, and this is the only way I can do it constructively. Plus it gives me a reference to look back on later. At least the meds are kicking in finally…

And the moral of the story is : everything is relative, and there is always tomorrow.